Precious Time

I've been away from Ben this week at a conference out of state. And I've taken advantage of this time in order to well, eat pizza. Yes, pizza and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and everything I can't have while I'm feeding Ben. My plan for the week is to pump and dump. Sometimes, pumping feels like such a pain, is such a pain.
I wonder if there will be a time where I will idealize the inconvenience of feeding, pumping and look back on this as precious time.
Sometimes I wonder if anything that we remember was wonderful was really wonderful. I'm sad to be away from Ben but also glad. Glad to be somewhere where his demands don't come first, at least not for a few days, and, yet, on the other hand, I miss him terribly. I do feel like only part of me is here.
I wake up and think where is my screaming, crawling, squawking baby?
In a few days, it will be back to scanning labels and limited diet, so I will try and enjoy the time while I can even if part of me wants to hold him and kiss him right now. When I get him back again, will another part of me want just as forcefully to be away from him, to be a woman who is other than mother, who is just myself.